take me back

writing fanfiction is so fun like yeah maybe i will write a little story with a character i have emotionally attached myself to and yeah maybe that story will bring shame to my ancestors and whos gonna tell me otherwise? god?

had to explain to some mutuals that i am attracted to celebrities and emotionally unavailable men because i know that they are unattainable and therefore i am safe from any advances because they are simply not interested in my existence and they did NOT understand so i am now feeling VULNERABLE

every time i find a celebrity to love and obsess over, i realize that i just want to see them happy. i want to see them enjoy their life and be as proud in their accomplishments as i am. and i want them to know how much they mean to so many people.

i hate when fame swallows up their life and suddenly their smile is gone too.

how did inside job give ron and reagan an enemies to lovers to strangers plot line and then CANCEL THE FUCKIN SHOW???? I NEED CLOSURE I AM A CHILD OF DIVORCE

everyday, i try to love myself. accept my body and love its imperfections.

and then i see people who don’t have to worry about their stomach or their arms or thighs and i rip my seams apart until i’m torn.

i created my own little corner of the world to hide away in. it is an extension of me and it is the place i feel truly comfortable and safe, because it is mine. and now i have to leave my own little corner of the world. and i don’t know how i’m supposed to do that.

if life was any easier it would be called death.

{word count: 1134}

summary: after a long day, y/n has a surprise visitor at her window and they decided to take a swing around the city.

it had been a long day. between the back to back tests in each of her classes, to the 5-hour shift at the coffee shop, to the seemingly neverending pile of homework that was finally complete, y/n was exhausted. she stepped out of the shower and got dressed in her pajamas which consisted of her dad’s old oversized college shirt, loose running shorts, and a pair of fuzzy socks for maximum comfort. her hair was thrown into a heap on her head to keep it out of her face as she cleaned up her room and got ready for the following day until she heard a soft knock on her window. turning around, she saw a familiar red mask giving her a friendly wave. she rushed over to the window and opened it as quietly as she could to avoid her parent’s knowledge of her little visitor. 

“pete! what are you doing here so late?” the summer breeze filled her room and she was grateful for the reminder of how nice summer nights could be. 

“well, i just finished patrol and i wanted to see what you were up to.” perched on the fire escape railing, he held a hand out silently asking her to join him. without hesitation, she silently accepted by grabbing his hand and climbing out the window to stand with him as they continued to talk.

“well i’m absolutely burnt out from all those tests we had to take today and i’m pretty sure every customer today had a stick up their ass the size of the statue of liberty, but i finished all my homework. thank you for coming, this little visit is definitely the highlight of my day.” she smiled brightly at him and his heart swelled. 

“well, if you’re up to it we could go for a quick swing around the city?” it was late, they both knew it. but it was a perfect night; how could she refuse? 

“i’ll give you one hour, peter parker.” he nodded excitedly and stepped down from his position on the railing. soon, y/n was holding him tightly and they were off swinging throughout the city. 

it felt like flying. it was like the most amazing rollercoaster she had ever been on. the thrill of seeing all the buildings from a different perspective along with the moonlight reflecting off the windows created another dimension in y/n’s mind. a perfect and beautiful dimension that she never wished to leave. 

at last, the two were seated at the edge of a random building overlooking the city. their hands were centimeters away as they rested on the concrete and their feet dangled over the sidewalk below. horns were honking, the subway was still rattling on its rails, and the heart of the city was beating. new york city was alive, and they were in the middle of it. 

“it’s really beautiful.” y/n leaned her head back and felt the moonlight’s gentle touch on her skin. 

“yeah,” peter agreed, looking at her. his mask had been long discarded behind them, and he could see her clearly. he snapped out of his trance and looked back at the city in front of him. “yeah, it really is.” 

from a nearby apartment, a fast-paced and upbeat waltz could be heard and it was like a lightbulb lit up above peter’s head. he stood up and offered her his hand, bowing his head down.

“may i have this dance?” it was cliche and he knew it, but nonetheless, y/n got up and held the sides of her oversized shirt between her fingers before curtsying dramatically.

“of course, you may.” so they danced in the light of the moon with the stars as their witness as a waltz spilled out from a nearby apartment window with off-beat steps and messy spins and they laughed at each other and themselves but enjoyed the moment all the same. after their laughter had ceased, they held each other as they swayed back and forth and listened to the sounds of the city. y/n was so close to peter’s chest that she could faintly hear the thrum of his heart against his ribcage like a hummingbird trying to escape, and she wanted so badly to melt into his chest so she could hear that sound forever. so she could feel his warmth forever. 

“i had a lot of fun tonight, pete.” her voice was low but with his enhanced hearing, he heard her clearly.

“i did too.” they were looking at each other now, eyes locked. he wanted to tell her then that he had loved her from the moment he met her. he wanted to explain how he fell in love with her when he heard her talk about her many star wars theories. he wanted to describe how he felt when he heard her play piano and how he knew he was hopelessly in love with her in that moment. but it was like she knew what he was thinking because she lifted herself up on her tippy toes and gently pressed her lips to his. she savored the feeling of his grip around her waist and the smile that played on his lips when she kissed him. her entire body tingled in fear and excitement that this moment was finally happening, and when his hand moved to the back of her neck she melted into his touch.

he was the boy that she had loved since 7th grade. the nerdy boy that wears corny math and science jokes on his t-shirts. he was the reason she watched every star wars movie because she loved how excited he got over them. he was the boy who stood up for her when no one else would, even if he had no chance of winning. she loved the boy behind the mask, and she loved him far before he gained any of his powers. and right now, on the roof of this building, he wasn’t your friendly neighborhood spider-man. he was just peter; her peter. when they broke apart, they looked at each other in awe.

“oh peter parker,” y/n used her thumb to lightly trace his cheekbone and he nuzzled into her touch. “you’re going to cause me and my heart so much trouble, aren’t you?” they smiled at each other and touched their foreheads together, enjoying the last few moments of their untouched part of the universe. the part of the universe that was unbothered by supervillains and bossy customers. the one that belonged to them. 

“i am. but we should probably get you home before you get into some actual trouble.” he suggested. y/n sighed heavily and nodded.

and so they left their rooftop and kept the memories of their perfect night.

when will it be my turn to fall in love? when will it be my turn to feel those things?

why do i have to burn myself out in order to feel accomplished? why do i need to be on the verge of a mental breakdown constantly but prioritize my schoolwork and work over my own well-being?